Thursday, July 29, 2004


Darkness surrounds me, fills me.
Voices echo and scream within my head,
cant much confusion.
But silence kills me, drives me deeper into my insanity
and happiness physically hurts.
It hurts to smile, hurts to laugh.
I don't know when this all started...
When did it start? years ago perhaps
and slowly snowballed into a mind warping mess
how does it feel to be truly sane?
I can not remember anymore,i gave up even trying
gave up on everything I suppose.
This is me, what ever this is...
hell I don't even know anymore.
Days just fade to evenings and evenings
sink into night, all one can do is ride with it.
No sense in trying to figure it out.
I've tried, it only causes more confusion.
I've just come to the conclusion that im losing my mind.
My sanity slips further away with each passing moment as
days blend into weeks and weeks to months
all in a downward spiral ...twisting , warping, dying.
I see those around me, and they anger me.
I do not even know the reason why anymore, I have long forgotten
but I can feel it ...eating away at my heart like rotting flesh.
The sight of my reflection sickens me, I no longer look at myself,
haven't for some time now...
Why look when I hate what I see and wish it dead.
The thoughts consume my every waking moment..
yet I do nothing..why?
(you know the answer to that, you know why)
Perhaps it because of those few rare occasions
when someone cares to listen, really listen.
Maybe there are a few out there who truly care?
I don't know...Don't know why
Perhaps I do not wish others the pain I have suffered
but in the end, I only cause that pain
it is just prolonged this way..why do they not see this?
Who is this person they claim to see?
I think they see an illusion ,
it is easy to hide the pain inside,
I have learned to do this quite well I think.
Agony and despair hidden behind a joke and a well timed laugh.
They do not know me, they only think they do.
They know what I allow them to see.
Very few know how I truly feel, and even they do not know it all.
The depth of my anguish is know by myself alone, and shall remain so
A dark heart holds many secrets,
some of which would make a person weep,
while others would cause them to cry out in horror.
Why am I even attempting to figure any of it out,
to explain something I do not fully understand myself ?
I sit hear and feel dead, yet I still breath
I am so cold, yet blood still flows through my veigns
and I harbor a hatred for my being that goes beyond words !!
I read something someone wrote a while back, and was again confused,
confused by the mix of emotions that filled me as I read those words.
the words written seemed sad ,
yet at the same time I felt a sense of comfort
how strange...comfort from sadness.
I found its sadness quite beautiful in fact,
like the mournful cry of a dove at the breaking of dawn
while it sits in a shadowed tree before a blazing sunrise.
I am told I be missed if I were to go,
but I truly do not see what would be missed
in one such as myself, who am I ?
I am worthless flesh, wasting away in a sea of chemicals and alcohol,
and even those do not seem to do the job anymore.
I just long to hear someone, anyone, tell me its ok to let go.
That in the absence of my existence I will cause no pain, no hurt
That instead of sadness or pain my passing would bring comfort
in the knowledge that I no longer suffer an existence I despise.
But I don't see this happening, I screwed up.
I allowed people in again, allowed myself to care somewhat.
But time goes by, lives go on, and people are forgotten.
I do not know why I write this, or to whom it is written.
Perhaps I write it for noone, or maybe everyone
Is it a good bye? ..I do not know
Perhaps I write it in hopes that those I know
will understand ...I don't know
Is it a cry for help? no.
Is it written to obtain pity? most definitely not.
Help and pity are things I do not need nor do I desire.
Maybe I write it for myself alone.
The final beat of a dying heart,
the last whispered breath as it leaves the lungs
Perhaps it is closure?