Thanks to my Sis and Bro for bringing this little bit of info to my attention. I think everyone needs to see it ...

Sunset on Sanity

Voices... Like an endless wind
blowing through the mind.
Tearing apart what was once whole,
leaving behind wreckage.
Disorganized thought... Bits and pieces
Nothing more...Broken, disarranged.
Like a thousand shards of glass
from shattered windows.


Cloaked in shadows,
moving like a myst.
Lost between worlds.
What is reality, what is dream.
Is any of this more then delusion
self-deception..Untruth?
What causes such malfunction
misfire...Disorder?

Bound together.
Twisted and warped.
A train wreck within the mind.
Indifference ...Passion... Antipathy
Hatred...Rage...Furor.
Impossible to make sense of it anymore.
Fading...The endless ticking of time.
Minute by minute..Hour by hour.

As the sun sets on his sanity.

Tired, so very tired.

Struggle to remain awake and function.

Drifting in and out of reality.

But is it really reality that fades? , or is it infact the illusion?

The thin line between the two grows more narrow.

Spinning out of control in a steady downward spiral.

Useless to prevent it, no control over anything anymore.

Why even attempt control, it bears no accomplishment.

It is all just the same in the end.

Cold.... Angry.... Tired.

Swimming in disorder
Visions surface then fade
Back to the rusted corners of a broken mind.
Chaotic screaming
Voices call out
Refusing to be ignored any longer.
Try to forget it all.
Shut it out, Beat it down.
Preserve at least a shard of sanity.

Shadows...Voices ..Things of long past
Haunting a Wrecked Mind.
Things left unsaid and undone..
To late now... Frozen.
In the past..Locked away.
Better that way.
Left behind..Buried beneath,
Lost as the Years have been Lost.
Rusted ..Crumbled ..Rotten.
Washed away in a River of Tears.
Drowning in Agony..Gasping for Air.
Bleeding from a Gash left in the Heart.
Choking on Hatred..Distrust...Betrayal.

Have you ever felt the need to spill another's blood?
A feeling so strong that it eats away at you and demands your attention?
Grating on your nerves making them raw.
Tying your guts in knots that grow tighter and tighter.
Echoing and bouncing off the walls of your mind.
All you can do is sit and think about it, knowing you can do nothing....
Not yet anyways.
All in due time...They say every dog has his day.
Some dogs will find that their day has come sooner than expected.
When thy find themselves lying on the cold ground..
their life's blood slowly draining away.
Body growing cold and numb.
Light slowly fading from their eyes.
A faint ringing in their ears....
Then nothing.
Death.

I havent written much on here latley, Hell I have not done much of anything latley but sleep and fell like death warmed over. Maybe things will be different soon, better in some way...then again maybe not, Hell who knows. I guess all one can do is wait and see. One thing is sure, There is a change in the air.

He sits in darkness
trying to ignore some of what he hears.
They never shut up
and when the do it is not He who enjoys the silence.
At those times He is gone,
lost somewhere within himself perhaps.
And the thoughts flood his mind,
because he knows they are out there...
just waiting for their chance.
Walking a thin line at times ,
between reality and total insanity,
or so they say.
But what do they know anyways.
Tired of all the games the thought comes back,
the same thought that is never far away...
smoking cold steel.
But this time it is pushed aside,
thrown back into the corners of his mind to wait.
Beats his head on the desk,
grasping at the hope that perhaps that may help.
But of course it does not...Still screaming...Taunting.
Shadows move , out of the corner of his eye.
He sees them, knows they are there.
No use in turning to look , because they always elude sight.
disappearing into the shadows.....Watching....Waiting.

Forever I'll love you she said
whispered it softly in my ear...
ruby lips caress my neck
then teeth sunk in my flesh...
One last time...runs through my head
Forever I'll be yours she said
Nails rake down my back...
as I bite deeply into her shoulder
taste the warm blood as it flows
smell the sweetness of her flesh
One last time...never again
Forever I'll be true she said
as she looked deep within my eyes
as if trying to read my soul
then jumping back...as if she had done just that
read my soul...felt its darkness..tasted the hate
A single tear ran down her face...as she realized
somehow I knew....knew what she had done
and would never forgive her for it.
True? I asked her.....Fuckin TRUE..I screamed
in a rage....as I shoved her into the wall
A rage so deep I wanted to rip out her throat
As she sat there...tears streaming down her face...
As I stood above her....screaming...hating...unforgiving
Love left my soul....Forever

Ever been so pissed off it feels like your fucking head is going to EXPLODE
and paint the world around you in blood and grey matter?
Yea?
WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!!

The Speed Of Pain

When you want it
It goes away too fast
Times you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me !!!!!
I wanna outrace the speed of pain.... for another day!!

Numb

He awoke this afternoon feeling numb.
No pain , no happiness, just numb.
He rolled over , grabbed a smoke off the table on the side of the bed.
Lit it, layed back down ...Inhaled deeply.
As he exhaled and smoke rose into the air,
he remembered the night before.
How close he had come, and once more didn't do it.
He got out of bed and walked over to the desk.
Everything still the same as he had left it.
Nothing changed.
The ashtray sits overflowing .
The empty bottles laying on their side.
The empty rig tossed aside.
The small black box with red lettering reading
WOLF ammunition....Ironic in its own way..
box top still open.
And the rifle...laying over the top of it all.
He can almost smell the stench of anger still in the air.
With undertones of regret and sadness.
Now he sits here writing this , not even knowing why.
Not knowing anything anymore.
Not feeling anything anymore.
Just numb.

WELCOMED HOME

In the dead of night..I hold you tight
such a loving embrace i give to you.
You will be the way..my release from this place
I have wanted this for so long..
Held tightly between my two hands,
I raise you high above my head
and speak words no human is ment to hear.
But they are herd.....by another.
My pain is felt....by another
My darkest desires are known..by another
Black hair falling on naked white flesh.
Soon to be bathed in a river of crimson...
I throw my head back...and scream....
Years of pain released, in a single breath.
Moonlight dancing off the blade of steel
like stars on a calm lake
I have done my time...felt enough pain
and now...I know Ive had enough of it.
My discust for life is felt....by another
Deep in my soul, all is seen...by another
And my feelings are understood..by another.
In the blackness..that matches my soul
I walk silently through this night..
Knowing it will be my last here..
Feeling at peace...for once.
I take the blade...and with arms streched wide
raise it above my head once again.
And speak my final words here on earth.
I throw my head back..and draw the steel across my throat.
I fall to the ground as my life slowly drains away
Finaly at peace...Finally its over...Finaly life ends.
And as I lay there..
A crimson pool, lulls my mortal being
To an endless sleep.
And I am welcomed home

One of those days.

Well its one of thouse days. And for anyone who knows me at all, they know what im talking about. Please donot be offended of i seem a bit "off" as some call it. Because to be honest, im real fucking close right now. Im not even sure what brought it on this time. Maybe it no longer needs a reason to rear it ugly head. To my friends...thanks for sticking by my in times like this and not running for the hills like so many others do...Thank you for understand this fucked up mind...and most of all, Thank you for being just that, My Friend..

New Skin

Ok here it is a new skin

Now it has comments and all that other happy ass horse shit.

Hope ya like it . If not to fucking bad its my damn blog anyways.

Foggy mind
twisted and changing.
Thoughts make no sense.
Random words,
tiny shards of thought.
Misplaced reasoning,
intertwined with hate.

Kind of ironic actually the date...September 11. As it was also the date of the first invasion on the Native Peoples of this country by Europeans. Sounds like karma comming first circle to me.

Anger builds, a storm of rage

Violence locked up, my heart the cage.

Burning deep behind my eyes

Distrust and worry, tears and lies.

Churning pool of unvented hate

Things left undone, now too late.

trapped inside this heart of stone

Are somethings better left alone.

Voices call from long past years

Twisting mind and ringing ears.

I push you in, release the pains

Mix with blood, run through these veins.

Rising up inside my head

Vision blurs to shades of red.

Limbs go numb as minutes pass

Eyes become like empty panes of glass.

Mind goes blank, forget for awhile

Thoughts of vengeance...Dark and Vile.

But dark skies still hang over head

Sometimes Yer Better Left For Dead!!!

To know me is to

know the chill of an icy wind

To see into my eyes is to

look into a dark pool of endless depths

To hear my voice is to

hear the thunder of a summer storm

To look into my soul is to

look into the vastness of the stormy black sea

To feel my touch is to

feel an icicle run down your spine

To try to love me is to

know the emptiness of space...Distant..Cold...Alone

For what I once saw.......Is blinded by mistrust

The voice I once had.....Is choked with pain

The touch I once possessed....Is twisted

The love I once had.......Is tortured..Sick

The soul I have is warped...Dark...Unforgiving

The me I once was is..........

Dead

Forever I'll love you she said

whispered it softly in my ear

Ruby lips caress my neck

then teeth sunk into my flesh.

One last time...runs through my head

Forever I'll be yours she said

Nails rake down my back

as I bite deeply into her shoulder

taste the warm blood as it flows

smell the sweetness of her flesh.

One last time...never again.

Forever I'll be true she said

as she looked deep within my eyes

as if trying to read my soul

then jumping back...

as if she had done just that

Read my soul...

Felt its darkness..

Tasted the hate

A single tear ran down her face

as she realized somehow I knew....

Knew what she had done

and would never forgive her for it.

True? I asked her.....

Fuckin TRUE..I screamedin a rage

as I shoved her into the wall

A rage so deep I wanted to rip out her throat

As she sat there...

tears streaming down her face...

As I stood above her....screaming

hating...unforgiving

Love left my soul....

Forever

It creeps up again

that feeling that is known so well

slowly seeping in like a thick fog,

suffocating and heavy,

His thoughts seem so scattered,

like leaves in a brisk autumn wind

blown around , tossed and twisted.

sights and sounds intertwined

forming a macabre dance within his mind

How things have a way of changing so fast.

flashing through the mind

like lightning across a stormy sky

deadly, yet beautiful at the same time

buried in furor... Lost in delirium

will it ever end? Or will it stretch on endlessly

swirling and churning

like a thousand drops of water in a raging river

slamming against rocks.. Angry... Relentless

or will it change?

like a flaming crimson sunset,

casting shadows over a calm lake

light slowly fading.... Dying

till there is no more,

and all that remains is darkness.. Silence... Tranquility.

His mind wanders..

Thoughts bounce off the shattered reminents

of the walls of his mind.

Why must things be as they are ?

Cold, alone,

What was once the color in his world

has faded to dull shades of grey and black.

Adrift in an endless sea of torment.

The memories, they haunt ,

haunt his mind, never ending.

When will this all end? Ever?

Or is he destined to go on as he does now.

How long before his sanity truly comes to a complete end.

How long till there is nothing left of his former self?

Nothing but an empty shell.

I should probley write something in this damned blog, but to be honest, I cant think of a damn thing to write...im just numb, so I guess that's it for right now. im sure in time something that makes sense will come out of all the rambling that goes on within my head, so until that time...I bid you all farewell.

I don't know why I am here or why I am even writhing this...None of any of this really matters in the long run does it?...Its just a constant back and forth struggle with everything...One minute feeling up the next feeling so down you would expect if you looked up to see dirt covering you like a grave...Im glad I have this little place on the net to rant...My own person bitching ground where I do not have to worry what other people think...My page my life my thoughts...I just feel so empty right now, I feel I have lost one of the few things that made this day to day bullshit worth sticking around for...But its not all about me, and ill have to come to terms with that , and stop being so selfish..But part of me just wants to scream or cry, or just go completely numb...Oh well such is life I guess.

I control you ....I am the voice inside your head....I am the lover in your bed ....I am the sex that you provide....I am the hate you try to hide...I control you

I am the needle in your vein (and I control you) I am the high you can't sustain (and I control you) I am the pusher i'm a whore (and I control you) I am the need you have for more (and I control you)...I am the bullet in the gun (and I control you) I am the truth from which you run (and I control you) I am the silencing machine (and I control you) I am the end of all your dreams (and I control you) I take you where you want to go...I give you all you need to know...I drag you down I use you up ...Mr. self destruct
(NIN moment there)

Lit by a flame that burns from within
Raw is the vengeance its journey begins.
From shadow filled resting it's time to awake
Tear down the veil, cause it to break
Change in the wind the time has begun
To gather the pieces and make them as one
Wind from the East I call out this name
Come from the myst by light of this flame.
Draw through the shadows a single straight line
Held true to its purpose and shall for all time

HIDING IN SHADOWS WHERE NOBODY KNOWS
KISSED WITH THE MYST WHERE THE COLD WIND BLOWS
EYES RED AS FIRE, AGLOW IN THE NIGHT
WRATH IS GROWING ASSERTING ITS RIGHT
FROM DEEP INSIDE IT BOILS AND CHURNS
ANGER GROWS..VENGEANCE BURNS
SCREAMS OF ANGER EXPLODE FROM WITHIN
RELEASED FROM THE PLACE WHERE DORMANT THEY'VE BEEN
DESPAIR AND ANGUISH,MISTRUST AND RAW PAIN
RUSH FORTH FROM WITHIN , NO LONGER ENCHAINED

New Skin

Ah, Finaly...A skin that gives this blog the right feel.

Fading away, becoming part of the background,
The shadows, the silent myst.
Unnoticed, desolate, detached.
Removed, unconnected, vacant...
Severed.

Strange how the mind seems to work, or not work for that matter..One minute it can seem fine, then the next its a total train wreck, Nothing makes sense...Thoughts and sounds all intertwine in an endless rambling of nonsense..Fractions of sentences, shards of words, little piece of everything and none of it really makes much sense at all...Its a confusing microcosm.
At times when things do seem to make sense I have to stop and wonder, "Is this right, or is this some sort of a trick, a little game to set me up...break me. I hear a thousand thoughts, millions of words echo around, bouncing off the shattered walls of my mind. It wears me down...breaks me to the point of ruin. The total demise of my sanity is imminent. Destruction lies waiting in the shadows...And I no longer care.

Here I Stand

Here I stand, Early morning as the sun rises over he beauty, kisses the sky and sets it ablaze.
A myst rises off her face, she is beauty and sorrow...tranquility and torrent..and I love her.
She brings me peace, sets me free...yet at the same time I can feel her sorrow somehow.
It rises up for her endless depths and embraces me, touches me..tells me I'm not alone.

hmmmm

Havent written in this thing for awhile. I guess thoughts and words to describe feelings seem to elude me right now...Just tired..so very tried.

I Am

I am ruin and destruction hidden behind a friendly smile . All I touch rots and fades away.
I am dead inside, incapable of anything good. What may seem good is surly an illusion. I am sorrow, it radiates out of my pores and infects those around me. I am a torrent of despair, it flows through my veigns like a rapid river,drowning . I am anger and rage, a black soul trapped within human flesh awaiting its departure.

Would You?

Would you listen to my sorrows?...Would you wipe away my tears?  Would you hear what's in my heart?...For it is shattered.
Would you care for me if I were ill?...Would you help ease my troubled mind?  Would you help  take away the pain?...For it is killing me.
Would you love me as I am? ... Would you show me that every person has some sort of worth? Would you help to show me mine?...For I can not see it. 
 

Watch Me Drown

Although my mind is open,
my heart is tightly closed
with all the hate that holds me,
 I wish I didn't own
for all the years that pass by,
I know I should have changed
But how can one man sever,
the links that make these chains
cant remember who it was that sings this tune

Just Normal Shit

Well its 7 am and here I sit, still awake, waiting for sleep to come and take me. Sometimes it seems like it will never come...endless hours of nothingness, clock ticks off the seconds...like the beating of a tiny mechanical heart...tick...tock...tick...tock , the seconds pass into minutes and the minutes into hours....and it continues on.................

Within

It creeps up againthat feeling that is known so well , slowly seeping in like a thick fog, suffocating and heavy, His thoughts seem so scattered, like leaves in a brisk autumn wind blown around , tossed and twisted. sights and sounds intertwined forming a macabre dance within his mind How things have a way of changing so fast.flashing through the mind like lightning across a stormy sky deadly, yet beautiful at the same time buried in furor... lost in delirium will it ever end? or will it stretch on endlessly swirling and churning like a thousand drops of water in a raging river slamming against rocks.. angry... relentless or will it change? like a flaming crimson sunset, casting shadows over a calm lake...light slowly fading.... dying till there is no more, and all that remains is darkness.. silence...  tranquility.

Closure?

Darkness surrounds me, fills me.
Voices echo and scream within my head,
cant sleep...to much confusion.
But silence kills me, drives me deeper into my insanity
and happiness physically hurts.
It hurts to smile, hurts to laugh.
I don't know when this all started...
When did it start? years ago perhaps
and slowly snowballed into a mind warping mess
how does it feel to be truly sane?
I can not remember anymore,i gave up even trying
gave up on everything I suppose.
This is me, what ever this is...
hell I don't even know anymore.
Days just fade to evenings and evenings
sink into night, all one can do is ride with it.
No sense in trying to figure it out.
I've tried, it only causes more confusion.
I've just come to the conclusion that im losing my mind.
My sanity slips further away with each passing moment as
days blend into weeks and weeks to months
all in a downward spiral ...twisting , warping, dying.
I see those around me, and they anger me.
I do not even know the reason why anymore, I have long forgotten
but I can feel it ...eating away at my heart like rotting flesh.
The sight of my reflection sickens me, I no longer look at myself,
haven't for some time now...
Why look when I hate what I see and wish it dead.
The thoughts consume my every waking moment..
yet I do nothing..why?
(you know the answer to that, you know why)
Perhaps it because of those few rare occasions
when someone cares to listen, really listen.
Maybe there are a few out there who truly care?
I don't know...Don't know why
Perhaps I do not wish others the pain I have suffered
but in the end, I only cause that pain
it is just prolonged this way..why do they not see this?
Who is this person they claim to see?
I think they see an illusion ,
it is easy to hide the pain inside,
I have learned to do this quite well I think.
Agony and despair hidden behind a joke and a well timed laugh.
They do not know me, they only think they do.
They know what I allow them to see.
Very few know how I truly feel, and even they do not know it all.
The depth of my anguish is know by myself alone, and shall remain so
A dark heart holds many secrets,
some of which would make a person weep,
while others would cause them to cry out in horror.
Why am I even attempting to figure any of it out,
to explain something I do not fully understand myself ?
I sit hear and feel dead, yet I still breath
I am so cold, yet blood still flows through my veigns
and I harbor a hatred for my being that goes beyond words !!
I read something someone wrote a while back, and was again confused,
confused by the mix of emotions that filled me as I read those words.
the words written seemed sad ,
yet at the same time I felt a sense of comfort
how strange...comfort from sadness.
I found its sadness quite beautiful in fact,
like the mournful cry of a dove at the breaking of dawn
while it sits in a shadowed tree before a blazing sunrise.
I am told I be missed if I were to go,
but I truly do not see what would be missed
in one such as myself, who am I ?
I am worthless flesh, wasting away in a sea of chemicals and alcohol,
and even those do not seem to do the job anymore.
I just long to hear someone, anyone, tell me its ok to let go.
That in the absence of my existence I will cause no pain, no hurt
That instead of sadness or pain my passing would bring comfort
in the knowledge that I no longer suffer an existence I despise.
But I don't see this happening, I screwed up.
I allowed people in again, allowed myself to care somewhat.
But time goes by, lives go on, and people are forgotten.
I do not know why I write this, or to whom it is written.
Perhaps I write it for noone, or maybe everyone
Is it a good bye? ..I do not know
Perhaps I write it in hopes that those I know
will understand ...I don't know
Is it a cry for help? no.
Is it written to obtain pity? most definitely not.
Help and pity are things I do not need nor do I desire.
Maybe I write it for myself alone.
The final beat of a dying heart,
the last whispered breath as it leaves the lungs
Perhaps it is closure?